Inspired by Paul Thomas Bell’s post 5 Things I Look For In A Partner, I decided to make a little list of my own.
I know, I know. Be open. Don’t have a list. But in a world where most of our dating takes place online, on apps, or through brief meetings at events or on nights out, and you have to make fairly snap decisions about who to pursue, it helps to have some idea of who you are and what you’re looking for.
So without further ado, here are 5 things I look for in a partner.
1. Looks
Let’s face it: you can’t fuck a personality. Not saying he has to be a supermodel, but I think to fancy someone, you need some level of visual chemistry. Especially in the days of modern dating where most of the time, you don’t get to spend much time with someone before deciding whether you fancy someone, I think the initial appeal is more important. They don’t necessarily have to be good looking, but I think I’d have to find something about them physically attractive. FYI- I like tall guys, usually heavier than average with blonde hair and blue eyes.
2. Social competence
When I go on a first date- I get a feeling in the first 30 seconds as to whether I want to see that person again. The first thing I notice obviously is looks, but then after that it’s a split-second judge of their social ability. Although looks are important, the most attractive thing I find in a man is confidence and social competence. I need someone who can pass the party test (for those unfamiliar with the term, it’s where you being someone along to a party, leave them alone for a while, and see if they start mingling or just sit in the corner).
3. Similar values
Let’s be real here, you could be the best looking, most charismatic guy in the room, but if you’re a raging Corybnite who thinks gender is a spectrum, we’ll probably just end up killing each other. Also, despite the way modern dating is set up, I’m not willing to date someone casually for 6 months in the hope that it *may* turn into something serious, so I need someone who is looking for a relationship and has similar goals.
When I was younger I went for looks and confidence. Those things are still important to some extent, but now I’m older I also look for a deeper connection and shared values.
4. Respect
This kind of ties in with point #3, but this is important to me, so I’ll say it again. I’m a slow burner, so while it’s important for a guy to show some dominance in bedroom situations, I also need a guy who’s respectful and doesn’t try and push me into doing stuff- not a guy who wants to have a go on you before they can decide whether you’re “worth” dating, and throws a strop if you don’t want to have sex with them.
5. Clicking & The Spark
I’ve lumped these two together even though they’re slightly different. But anyway. When you meet people on drunk nights out, it’s possible to form crushes on people who you really like the vibe of, but don’t necessarily have a lot in common, or really gel that well. When you meet people via modern dating however, you’re spending hours at a time stone cold sober in their company. So aside from the attraction part, it’s also important that you just get on.
And of course that elusive spark. Clicking, but with that extra frission of sexual attraction. Sometimes it’s there, sometimes you meet someone who’s perfect on paper but it’s not. But without that bit of oomph, I’m afraid you’re just friends.
What do you look for in a partner? Let me know in the comments!
Everyone always says it’s the personality that counts, but you have to have a physical atttaction to someone as well like you said. All good points 😊
Yeah, I think you only notice personality if there’s a physical attraction.
Haha, the party test! One of my ex-boyfriends failed miserably at that one. :-/ That was just one of many reasons it didn’t work out between us.
Great list!
Yeah I’d struggle with that too.
Ha I feel like #2 is where I keep failing, and before I even get to the 30-second mark or open my mouth.
Hmm perhaps it is, well I guess identifying the problem is the first step to solving it…
Or perhaps my awesomeness is just overwhelming them.
PS – kudos on the creative picture.
Maybe!
Thanks- trying to start doing my own photography to make it look more professional!
I think a lot of people get hung up on the opposite sex’s meaning of the term “I want somebody good looking” because often they don’t mean that. What they usually mean is how you’ve just explained it – they want somebody who is physically attractive to them personally. You and my girlfriend might have completely different tastes in men but still consider their respective choices good looking, even though a third party might disagree with both of you.
I have to fancy them physically too, but that doesn’t mean they have to have model looks either. I separated in 2011 and got divorced in 2013. Around that time I was dating casually. One of the women from that period to whom I was most attracted was obese which surprised many people that I fancied her so much. But she had red hair (which always drives me wild) and a sparkle in her eye that I found incredibly sexy.
Yes you’ve nailed it, they just need to have a couple of features you find attractive rather than being a supermodel. Also personal taste- some men prefer bigger women.
You sound like an absolute nightmare! But you will be fine as long as there’s a man with ‘extremely uptight’ on his wish list.
Does PTB’s list make him “extremely uptight”, or just mine because there’s things on there you don’t like?
P.S. Thanks for boosting my SEO!
Don’t feed the trolls.
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“You can’t fuck a personality”. That is definitely going to go on my list of things to say when friends show me the profiles of people they’re interested in but not sure about looks-wise!
I can’t fault a single point; I’ve got the added one of “doesn’t run a million miles when I mention I have kids”. A little niche, but definitely a requirement!
I’m sharing my own thoughts on dating on https://diaryofadatingdad.wordpress.com/ – any more tips for a dating dad are very much welcome!