Which gender has the upper hand in the dating market? Well, each seem to think the other. Men bemoan women’s many options. Women bemoan men’s many options. So which is it?
Disclaimer: This post is focused around heterosexual relationships, but feel free to write me an awesome guest post on the dynamic of gay/ lesbian dating.
It’s easy to see why men feel disheartened. I’ve been using various apps for a while now, and I’m in the unique position of having used them to meet men and women. I started by dating men, then I used Bumble BFF to make new female friends, then I got fed up with men and decided to switch Tinder to women only for a while (long story). Anyhow, the first thing I noticed was how much more difficult it is to get matches on the female side. When I’m swiping for men, I match most times. But with women, I hardly ever do. Once, I did a social experiment on Bumble where I tried swiping right to all and seeing what came up. For men, I had more matches than I knew what to do with within the first 30 seconds. For women, I didn’t get any matches. So it seems to be that women are much more picky with their swipes.
Then there’s the flaking. Oh my gosh the flaking. I’ve been on plenty of dates with guys, and while I’ve had a few flakes, most of them show up. The women are on another level entirely. I haven’t been on many dates with girls, but I did a lot of friend-dating while I was living in London and it was an absolute nightmare. I ended up having to organise group things only because for every meetup I organised, without fail someone would flake, sometimes with as little as 20 minutes notice. Group dates aren’t a thing yet, so I don’t know how men manage to date without going insane. I’m pro-traditionalism, but Bumble BFF gave me a newfound respect for manwhores as I don’t know how any man can manage to rack up enough dates to sleep with enough women to be a manwhore.
So it seems that when it comes to quantity, women rule.
But the crux is the quality.
One time a friend asked me, “Have you ever seen any guy on Tinder that you were like I love him?” The truth is, no, I haven’t. I find the men kind of merge into one. It’s more of a case of “you’ll do”. I mean, if I only swiped for hot guys I’d end up with 2 matches who don’t talk back. The women on the other hand were a whole different story. Half the women on there looked like models. And a couple I was talking to, I remember thinking “Wow… if I had to go for a woman, that’s who I would go for”. I also find a lot of guy I’ve met via online methods have been a bit weird, or socially off. While there are plenty of women who’s values I don’t agree with, I don’t get along with, or are just plain mean, I very rarely meet a woman where I think “she has a bad personality” in terms of social skills. So once men get to a certain level, they can pick and choose in a way that even attractive women cannot. I’ve noticed that any guy who’s reasonably attractive tends to meet someone pretty quickly when they’re looking for a relationship, while I see attractive women get ghosted and screwed over all the time.
The modern dating market is also set up to men’s advantage. In a traditional society, men and women are fairly equal. They date, and marry relatively young. However in western society, the time frame in which women are expected to have sex is being pushed sooner and sooner. Then it’s up to the man- they can either continue the budding relationship as a casual thing, a serious thing, or disappear completely. They still have the option of settling down if they want, but they also have to option of playing the field, which they are doing for longer and longer. The men dictate the terms.
There are limits to this however. If you’re a nerdy, awkward guy with sloppy style, you’re probably not going to be living the player lifestyle. But develop the chat and a bit of game, and the dating world is in your hands.
Who do you think has the upper hand?