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Relationship, Shag, No

June 4, 2017

I have a friend, who for the sake of this post, we’ll call him Jim. Most of my friends met The One at 18 and are now in a long-term relationship, cohabiting, or married, so myself and Jim are one of the few single people left, and we often talk about dating.

He says that when he goes on a first date, within the first 10 minutes, he has allotted the girl into one of three categories: Relationship, Shag, or No.

Relationship, Shag, No

Relationship, does what it says on the tin. Those are the girls he would consider a relationship with.

Shag, is otherwise known as the fuckzone– people he’d sleep with, but wouldn’t consider a relationship with. Maybe he’s attracted to her physically, but not personality-wise. Maybe she’s not quite his type, but you know, he’d shag her. Or maybe he would otherwise consider a relationship with her, but she’s a smoker. Ultimately he’s looking for a relationship, but casual sex scratches the itch.

And then, there’s No. Just, no. Not worth shagging.

Now, this is a sweeping generalization, but I can imagine this is how most guys’ scales work.

My scale on the other hand is a little different.

For women, sex isn’t a physical drive, but an emotional response. I think it’s because you’ve got something going in, you know what I mean?

I meet guys who are nice. I meet guys I get on with. I meet guys I think are cute. Sometimes, I even meet guys on my wavelength. But for a relationship, what it comes down to, is would I have sex with them?

I hardly ever meet guys I can envision myself having sex with. But once every 2-3 years, I meet someone, and BOOM! The spark appears. I meet someone I can sexualise. And those are the guys I want a relationship with.

So I guess my scale has two sections. Relationship/ Shag. Or maybe, “Relationshag”. Guys I want to have sex with and have a relationship with.

And No. Guys who are more like friends. Or maybe guys I want to avoid all together.

The most frustrating thing is when I meet someone I get on with, and who would make a good boyfriend, and who likes me, but I just wouldn’t have sex with them. So they’re a No.

I’m a traditionalist, so this may be an extreme example, but I can imagine most women’s scales look a bit more like this.

The difference in scale format is where a lot of misunderstandings happen in heterosexual relationships.

Sometimes, a man will show romantic interest in a woman, and she’ll get excited at the prospect of a relationship, then find out he just wants sex and end up hurt. This is because her scale is binary, so she’ll subconsciously assume his is too.

Sometimes, a man will be friends with a woman thinking there is a prospect of a relationship/ sex, then find out she just wanted to be friends and end up hurt. This is because he probably wouldn’t give the time of day to someone in the No section, so he’ll subconsciously assume she wouldn’t either.

So take note, and when dating, take into account the other side’s scale.


  • Reply
    June 5, 2017 at 12:41 pm

    Well said. I think the majority of misunderstandings between men and woman are because of this. The idea that men only want sex and women get a kick out of stringing men along for an ego trip is real, but I don’t think it happens nearly as often as some people believe. It’s just a way of making oneself out to be the victim.

    Having been in the “strung along for the sake of her ego” situation while she evaluated her feelings for another man (but didn’t want to close the door on me until she did), it’s not nice. But I realise that most women have enough respect for the man with an interest in her not to do it.

    • Reply
      June 7, 2017 at 4:42 pm

      Yeah sometimes people string someone along on the backburner while they pursue someone else. But sometimes a woman will just think she’s made a nice male friend!

  • Reply
    🌸 AlishaValerie. (@AlishaValerie)
    June 6, 2017 at 1:23 pm

    I really think what you said is important to be noted babe. Sadly, this is the way some people seem to work when dating. I’m glad you have been open and shared this blog post on this subject though. 🌸💗✨

    With love, Alisha Valerie. x |

  • Reply
    June 11, 2017 at 3:10 am

    Interesting read! I think the one damaging thing if indeed this is the difference between mens and women thinking is because men are often worse at communicating, they can easily get into a casual sex arrangement whilst the girl thinks it’s more than that and sees it on the road to a relationship. If in his head he is ultimately thinking ‘no’ to a relationship, then girls really do run the risk of being strung along!

    • Reply
      June 11, 2017 at 4:00 pm

      Yes that is true. I think more honest communication on both sides would help stop those situations.

  • Reply
    Jen Seriously
    June 15, 2017 at 6:35 pm

    Would I have sex with this guy? is a question constantly on my mind during a first date. Do I want to see him naked? Would I want him to see me naked? If the answers are no, there’s no second date. What would be the point?

    • Reply
      June 17, 2017 at 2:56 pm

      On a first date it’s more like a “screen” to see if they might be my type. But yeah those are things I think later on!

  • Reply
    June 22, 2017 at 5:44 pm

    This is such an interesting post, I’ve never really thought about it this way before. And although personally, I’m in a relationship so it’s not super relevant to me, next time a friend asks me for advice – I’ll just point her to this post!

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