Thoughts

What’s Your Number?

What’s in a number? Well if we’re talking about the number or pairs of shoes you own, the number of apps you have on your phone, or the number of charitable causes you’ve aided, not much.

However, when it comes to the number of people you’ve slept with, that number seems to matter. A lot.

What's Your Number-

Right now, my number is on 0. Or 0.9 to be more accurate, but for the sake of argument let’s just round down. Logically, I know there’s nothing wrong with this. Apart from possibly my ex-boyfriend (and we definitely gave it a go), there’s no-one I’ve met so far that I wish I’d slept with. Yet, at the back of my mind, from the age of 18 onwards, I’ve felt this anxiety. Because you’re supposed to have had sex by the time you’re an adult. Even though I knew other people in the same position and it was fine, and I was happily conservative and unwilling to have a one night stand to rid myself of the stigma, I felt this urge to grab some kind of magic pen and rewrite my life story to include finding love in my teens so it was socially acceptable. I mean, if you haven’t done it by this age, there must be something wrong with you. Besides, no-one wants to date a virgin.

My ideal number would be 1-3, all in relationships. The problem is, you’re kind of expected to have sex before it’s official. And while I don’t think sex should ever be expected, particularly if it’s someone you haven’t known very long, if I was seeing someone, the connection was there, I don’t see anything wrong with going for it if you feel ready. However, men have a tendency to disappear after sex, whether that be after 3 dates, 5 dates, 10 dates. So what do you do, if you have sex with them, and they disappear, AND YOUR NUMBER OF SEXUAL PARTNERS HAS GONE UP FOR NO REASON? Is there a way you could be like “Errm, can I have my vagina back please?”?. Because, your number can’t get too high, you know. You have to be the Good Girl. Relationship Material. Pure. A nice girl, that you can bring home to meet your mum. Besides, no man wants to date a woman who has slept around.

Other women feel differently. My friend has slept with 2 men. One, she dated when she was 17. The other, she met at 18 and now lives with. She’s “SO annoyed” about this. She said she wishes she’d slept around before she met her ex. Because that’s the society we live in. Hypersexualised. Promiscuous. Before you meet The One, you have to sleep with a tonne of men. It’s something you have to experience, otherwise you’re boring, will be incurably shit in bed, and will resent your future marriage due to lack of experience. I mean, that’s what life’s about. Sleeping around. YOLO! Advance the cause of feminism! Don’t be a frigid prude. Besides, men like experienced woman.

I went out for dinner with a male friend last night. He said when he was younger, he was very concerned about his “number”, so to speak. He wanted more notches. As he got them, he got more confident. Sometimes, it wasn’t even about the sex. It was the number. A higher number made him more of a man. In lads mags, they had “wings”. For different sex acts. A wing for anal, a wing for a threesome, and so on. So he tried to collect different wings. Sometimes, he wasn’t particularly interested in the sex act itself. But more wings made him more of a man. Because men are supposed to sleep around. A higher number= a higher quality man. If you don’t have a high number, it’s because you’re a loser who can’t get laid, and you’ll probably be incurably shit in bed too. Besides, women like experienced men.

So, what’s your number?

24 thoughts on “What’s Your Number?

  1. I have a high number. I’d have to check what the number actually is…but I’d guess around 50. I’m not ashamed of the number. I’m not proud of it, either.

    I have no regrets. I made a deliberate choice to become intimate with each of them and for various reasons. It didn’t always mean I wanted to pursue a relationship with them. Sex is fun and we’re both adults so why not?

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Well, keep in mind I am mid 40s. I didn’t have many relationships in my 20s (by choice) and I was with my ex husband for 16 years from my late 20s through early 40s. I am a single mom now and am having the best time. 😊 Dating as a 40 something is awesome!

        When i date, I date! And I love dating. I meet everyone online. I haven’t dated anyone the “old fashioned way” since the mid 90s when I was in college. (Yes, I even met my ex husband online back in 1998.)

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  2. At last tally, I think I was around 14 or 15. Some were boyfriends, most were flings, a few were one night stands, and 1 was an absolute mistake. But that being said, each experience was how Lauren put it- A deliberate choice for myself. I slept with each man because I loved him or found him attractive, none of the experiences were to increase my number or broaden my sexual experiences to make myself a better lover for the next man, each experience was for myself and my own sexual needs.

    I think it’s a fairly immature outlook to focus on the number of people a potential partner has slept with and I think if a man isn’t interested because you’ve slept with .9 men or 90 men, then it’s a good thing he’s shown his true colors and helped you dodge that bullet.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah that’s definitely the best outlook- do it for you, not society. And agreed, there are definitely more important aspects to someone’s personality!

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  3. This is such an interesting topic to me. I think in society there is an unspoken thing right now. I don’t like it but what I have noticed is that it seems like women are expected to have a “filter”. And this filter dictates that if you sleep with a bunch of guys your filter sucks. You haven’t filtered out guys good enough and now you’re a “slut”. But guys are expected to have an “approach”. So when your approach sucks you don’t sleep with anyone and your number doesn’t go up. But when you’re approach is GOOD, you sleep with a ton.

    So it’s this weird value allotment that says girls are sluts and guys are awesome. I think this is why the numbers are inverted for men and women. I consider myself a feminist and think that people shouldn’t feel shamed by their number. I don’t think it means you should feel shamed if you do think about your number as important either. But all-in-all, there is a definitely an equality issue here where someone is shaming someone for something, based on their gender.

    Thanks for sharing your post. You made me want to write my own post with my own thoughts on the matter.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah I think that’s definitely true regarding why the sluts/ studs double standard and male virgin shaming exist. But I think as in western society sleeping around is glorified, sometimes women get shamed for being conservative too!

      Liked by 2 people

    2. Looking at the first paragraph of ryanatsafezone’s comment – this is spot on. To add to this, generally speaking, the more “active” role in finding a partner is attributed to men, so the more partners a man has, the more “active” or “successful” it appears (compare this to salary and labor). Since there can be disproportionate opportunities for women (higher match/message rates, etc.), a higher number insinuates a lax selectivity to some. Hopefully we’re moving in the direction of recognizing everyone as individuals and what might be true or right for one person may not be for their neighbor.

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  4. My ex husband was my #1, and at times I wondered if I missed out. Now my number is 6. And while not every time is awesome, it’s about living and learning and experiencing in the moment. Sex is fun, and great, but it really is a whole different thing when love is involved.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah definitely true. And don’t ever think you’ve missed out, if you’ve got a good guy count yourself lucky you didn’t have to experience a load of shit ones before!

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  5. The idea that men don’t want to date women who’ve ~slept around~ is, of course, largely nonsense – as I suspect you know very well! There are certainly benefits to having a reasonable amount of sexual experience – like most things, the more you practice, the more confident and comfortable you get in bed, which is never a bad thing – but ultimately sex hinges sufficiently on chemistry and compatibility that it’s not really a case of honing your blow job skills to the nth degree or whatever. I’ve slept with virgins and I’ve slept with women who’ve had 100+ sexual partners, and one experience is not intrinsically better than the other – it’s all about the individual.

    My number is somewhere north of 20 and south of 200. Beyond that, I think I’ll keep a bit of mystery for now!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The post was meant to be a tongue in cheek look at sexual expectations/ stigmas in society- obviously not all men would be put off by a woman who has slept around, just as not all women are put off by inexperienced men!

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  6. My number can be counted very easily on one hand, and I used to care about when I was maybe 20 years old. But now I’m approaching the big 3-0 I just don’t really care any more. I dunno if I’ve ‘given up’ so to speak or if I’ve become zen about it?

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  7. For women numbers game works different from men..
    Women edit or delete some sexual encounters to bring their down..
    for example women won’t count a sexual encounter because she don’t want to by plausible deniability..”that doesn’t count because he just fingered me”
    For men it works in reverse, he will count fingering also an encounter to add his number up..
    It is how women and men are culturally evolved

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