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I Don’t Have Casual Sex, And It’s None Of Your Business

January 25, 2017

This post is a response to this post on Essays And Wine on the phenomenon of “prude shaming”.

My name is Alice, and I don’t have casual sex.

Yep, I’m one of those girls. Maybe you are one. Maybe you’re friends with one. Or maybe you live in a bubble and would rather deny we exist. But I’m one of those girls who say things like “I need to feel a connection”. One of those girls who is on Tinder looking for a relationship. One of those girls who would happily be married with  a couple of kids by now, but just never met the right guy. Maybe I’m just the kind of girl you want to be mates with. Or maybe I’m your worst nightmare.

I don't have casual sex

While I’ve kissed guys here and there, I’ve only gone further with one guy who I was in a relationship with. And I have zero regrets or wishes to change that anytime soon.

For some people, a one night stand is a bit of fun. Some people are happy to fuck on the first date, and be happy if he wants to see you again but easily move on if he doesn’t. Some people find value in a “friends with benefits” style arrangement. Others may prefer casual dating to serious relationships. But for me, sex is a very intimate thing that I only want to share in a more meaningful relationship. I don’t not enjoy sex, but I just don’t find the idea of doing it with someone who doesn’t care about me appealing. To me, sex is inextricably linked to emotions. If I liked someone enough to have sex with them, I’d want a relationship with them. And if I didn’t fancy them, I wouldn’t want to have sex with them.

Casual sex is like alcohol (hear me out). I really like partying and drinking. I think it’s the best thing ever. From underage drinking in fields and car parks, to nights at the Student Union bar, alcohol was a formative experience for me growing up and it’s how I made most of my friends. For a long time, I thought people who didn’t drink were boring, stupid, and missing out on an important part of life. But then I realised, maybe they just don’t enjoy those things. Perhaps they have other hobbies, and partying just isn’t their idea of fun. And if it’s not something they enjoy, what are they missing out on exactly? What one person values, another might not, and vice versa.

If you have casual sex, you may become the topic of what we call “locker room talk”. There may be whispers behind your back about how you’re a slag, a slut, or a whore. Weirdly, often coming from the men who were involved in the liaisons, and presumably it takes two to do the horizontal tango, right? But if you don’t have casual sex, prepare to get abuse straight to your face. The media is full of condemnation of “slut shaming”, yet the opposite, “prude shaming” is considered A-OK. If you fall into the “emotional connection” category, I’ve prepared a little game of bingo for you. If you want to get lashed on a night out (or maybe at home alone, reading through your blog comments, Twitter account, and WhatsApp messages), take a shot every time you hear one of the following:

The I don't have casual sex drinking game

(Note: this is mostly aimed at women, but if you’re a man and want to do the male version, please go ahead)

For me, fun is a house party with mates, a deep intellectual conversation over a chai latte, or a solo trip to a country I’ve never travelled to before. While sometimes I wish I had a partner to have sex with, I have at no point felt like I’ve somehow “missed out” by not going home with a stranger, as to me that’s not fun.

No-one has the right to not be judged. However, unless someone has specifically asked for your input as to how to conduct their sex life, maybe just assume that they don’t want it?

I don’t have casual sex, but I’m still fun. I’m still interesting. I’m still worthy of being your friend, or your girlfriend.

And I refuse to be ashamed of my choice.

Check out the follow-up to this post “I Have Never Had Sex And I Talked About It On National TV“.

Have you ever experienced “prude shaming”? Let me know in the comments!

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prude shaming

  • Reply
    January 25, 2017 at 10:04 pm

    I am a male in my 40s and I’ve never had casual sex. I’m not ashamed to admit I’ve only had two sex partners – one being my ex-wife, the other being my present girlfriend. I’m not socially conservative, nor do I think sex should be “special”. However, I do feel I need that connection as much as any of us need air, water, or food.

    For women, that connection seems to be based on trust. For me, it’s intelligence. I’ve had intense feelings for highly intelligent women with not much going in the looks department. On the flipside, I’ve felt nothing or next to nothing for incredibly good looking women without much in the way of personality. I feel most other men don’t believe me when I say this and don’t believe me when I say the number of women I have met whom I would have agreed to have casual sex with if offered I could count on one hand.

    On your second point, I think sexual standards are changing, especially as the world becomes much more aware of men’s desires. I am sometimes not in the mood for sex and as a man, you are not supposed to say “no” or she’ll think you’re shallow or homosexual. We will eventually find the happy medium between slut shaming and virgin shaming.

    • Reply
      January 29, 2017 at 11:57 am

      Thanks for commenting, great to hear a different perspective coming from a guy. I feel like sex should be special, but part of it is also that I need to feel a connection and trust the other person!

    • Reply
      Exiled Star
      February 5, 2017 at 12:46 am

      The world has always been aware of men’s desires, since men have owned and controlled things since forever.

      • Reply
        February 5, 2017 at 5:14 pm

        Oh look, a womansplainer who thinks she knows male sexuality better than men do.

  • Reply
    The Unfortunate Virgin
    January 26, 2017 at 5:24 am

    I don’t have casual sex either. I always wear a suit and tie for the occasion.

  • Reply
    Kirsty Jarvie
    January 27, 2017 at 5:09 pm

    I loved reading this! As someone who also doesn’t have casual sex, I’ve been labelled frigid, prudish, you name it and it really bothered me when I was younger. Now I totally embrace it because like you said we’re still fun and worthy of friendships and relationships. Everyone is different and that should be embraced.

    • Reply
      January 28, 2017 at 4:38 pm

      Oh yeah totally, “You’re frigid” and “You’re prudish” should totally have made the drinking game! Thanks for commenting and glad you liked the post 🙂

  • Reply
    January 29, 2017 at 11:08 am

    I don’t have casual sex either, I’ve only ever slept with one partner. I completely understand your reasoning for not wanting to engage in that kind of thing! I completely respect those who do enjoy it though, nobody is right or wrong in their actions – so long as you’re practicing safe sex, go for it (if you want to!)

    Abbey ✨

    • Reply
      January 29, 2017 at 11:53 am

      Yes, different things work for different people so we should respect each other’s choices rather than attacking each other!

  • Reply
    The Importance Of Confidence When Dating – Alice In Wonderlust | UK Dating Blog
    January 29, 2017 at 3:34 pm

    […] argument on their feeds too. And a couple of days later, another blogger posted an article about casual sex, and a guy had commented on it accusing her of only sleeping with “the top 10% of hot men who […]

  • Reply
    Exiled Star
    February 5, 2017 at 12:44 am

    I think you meant “repressed” on that card, not “oppressed.”

    Men bully women in all sorts of ways to try to get sex. “Prude” is just one of many weapons in their arsenal. Sadly, some women have bought into this.

    • Reply
      February 5, 2017 at 2:37 pm

      Yeah I hate that: “have sex with me or else you’re a prude”.

  • Reply
    What’s Your Number? – Alice In Wonderlust | UK Dating Blog
    April 9, 2017 at 3:49 pm

    […] an adult. Even though I knew other people in the same position and it was fine, and I was happily conservative and unwilling to have a one night stand to rid myself of the stigma, I felt this urge to grab some […]

  • Reply
    Aparajita Dutta
    April 11, 2018 at 11:38 pm

    Dear Alice,
    I m so so happy to read this. It’s as if I am reading my own thoughts! Reading your article gave me a much needed respite from questions troubling me like “am I weird not to have casual sex while everyone I know does it?” It’s incredible how someone in another part of the world thinks exactly like me. Yes I have been judged and ridiculed for refraining from casual sex though I have never done the same to people who practice it. Been told how a pretty girl like me is wasting her youth, torturing and depriving herself, that I need to consult a doctor because something is wrong with me and so on!!
    Sex is the peak of human bonding, it’s as emotional as it’s physical for a rare few like us and people should respect someone’s choice to have or not to have casual sex.

    • Reply
      April 15, 2018 at 3:19 pm

      Glad you liked the post! Sucks that there’s so much judgement!

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