Thoughts

Multidating

Social media. Great way of staying in touch with friends who live far away from you and finding new blogs to follow. However, unfortunately, sometimes it turns into the adult equivalent of the playground. There’s just so. Much. Drama.

One situation I observed recently goes as follows. A man (for the sake of this blog post, let’s call him Billy) launched a dating blog, got quite active in the Twitter blogging community, made friends, and came across as a general all-round nice guy. However, after a while, it became apparent that Billy was after… more than friendship. Two female bloggers had got together, and realised that they were both dating the same guy: Billy.

multidating

They tweeted about it, everyone else chimed in with their commentary, and all the drama kicked off. While some were sympathetic to the female bloggers’ plight, others came to his defense, with the reasoning that if the relationship isn’t official, it’s OK to see other people.

Here’s where I disagree. While it’s fine to line up a few dates from Plenty of Fish (after all, they’re probably doing the same thing, and you have to go on a lot of dates before you meet The One), you don’t pull those kind of stunts in the blogosphere. The difference between blogging and other forms of journalism is that it’s interactive. You engage with your followers and other bloggers, attend blogging events, and make friends. While there will always be people who don’t get along, you’re all in the same boat- working your butt off to build your blog, often alongside a full-time job- so the idea is that you support each other. Not use your blog as a means to scam on single women.

Also, he had gone on multiple dates with both women. One of them he had agreed to come as a plus one to her friend’s wedding, and told her he’d deleted his online dating profiles. That’s not “not knowing who you like more”. That’s deliberately being a complete knob.

My opinion on the issue is: if you’re on a dating app, or a dating website (or any other scenario where you’ve literally JUST MET the person and genuinely don’t know if you like them or not), it’s OK to keep your options open. In this scenario, it’s basically a date… to see if you want to go on a date, so there’s little emotional investment and you’re not hurting anyone. However, if it’s someone you already know through your social circle, you’ve already done the whole “getting to know them” thing through being friends with them, or making out with them a few times on nights out, so by the time you progress to an actual date, you already know whether you want to be in a relationship with them or not. So either progress towards that, or don’t string them along. There’s already a high emotional investment there, so if you go on other dates behind their back, unless you’ve agreed to some form of open thing, it’s a dick move.

The only thing I’m not sure about is, if you meet someone you actually like online, at what point do you stop going on other dates? I’ve never been in this position, as everyone I’ve met through those channels I’ve gone off by date #2. But from my perspective, if we’d gone on 2/3 dates and both liked each other, I’d be happy to stop going on other dates. In my opinion, the first date is a bit like a “screen” to make sure they’re tall enough, socially competent, and vaguely my type. If there’s potential but the spark wasn’t burning the building down, it’s always worth meeting again and seeing how it goes. But the second-third dates are make or break. I think that’s the point where you sit down and think… is there really any chemistry? I’m a busy woman, so if I did fancy them I’d be happy to give Tinder a break and just focus on one person. The problem is, you don’t know what’s going on at their end. I wouldn’t want to stop going on other dates then find out that THEY STILL ARE (bastard!). The obvious solution would be to talk about it. But perhaps 3 dates is a little early for a “where is this going?” conversation. So I guess the only rule really, is that there are no rules.

Apart from don’t be like Billy.

What are your thoughts on multidating? When is the right time to stop going on other dates? Let me know in the comments!

14 thoughts on “Multidating

  1. if the guy has deleted his profile, then it seems like he’s a bit more that just interested. or did he say that, but do something else? not really clear from your post.

    anyway, whats so wrong with gently asking the other person if they’re interested in being exclusive after 3 dates or just being hang out buddies? i dint think there’s anything wrong with asking, or even giving an “i don’t really know yet” response.

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    1. He basically told her he’d deleted his profile but he was seeing another girl behind her back.

      I wouldn’t personally have an issue with it, but I feel like other people would find it too clingy!

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  2. and, AND you DONT go with a girl to anyones’s wedding as a +1 or them as your +1 without first having DTR! and if you’ve told them you’ve told them you’ve deleted your dating profile before going to the wedding, you had better be pretty serious about her. if not, you are a huge douche bag and should go fuck yourself.

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  3. Really interesting post, loved reading it! I would say communication is key and you really have to ‘test’ guys out to see if they are on the same page as you. This is from my experience anyway. Three dates is too soon but it depends on each situation. I think generally once you feel like the guy/girl could be for you and you start meeting people in their social circle then it’s time to be like, hey where do you think this is going now?

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  4. Such good questions. For me its just all about honesty. This guy? Really? Agreeing to be a wedding plus one without having the ‘I’m still seeing other people’ chat? What a knob. I have to say having had the conversation already with someone I’ve now been on 4 dates with, its STILL complex as we’ve discussed that we will still both see other people if we want (more of a life choice for us both… see my post https://singlefemaleblog.wordpress.com/2016/11/19/monogamy-polyamory-open-relationship/ for some explanation on that!). This is currently fine with me but I realised there’s a whole lot more to discuss if you go down that path! Still, the important thing is that we are both being honest with eachother – without that you have nothing, and I abhor dishonesty more than just about anything else.

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  5. I’m fairly new to the online dating game and this is definitely food for thought!

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