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Dating

Dating In The Wrong Era

March 26, 2017

I was talking to one of my friends about dating at a gathering last weekend.

“Why do you think I’m single?”, I asked.

“Well, you’re looking for something that’s counter-cultural”, he said. “You’re kind of… dating in the wrong era.”

And all of a sudden- BAM- everything fell into place.

In life, sometimes I feel like I’m trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Particularly when dating.

dating in the wrong era

I’m what you call the Good Girl. Slim, attractive, and feminine. I’ve been open to settling down since my teens. I’m kind, loyal, and don’t cause drama. The kind of girl you could bring home to meet your mum. The problem is… that’s not what guys want.

They want the drama queens.

I was talking to a guy from work, who was complaining that all his ex-girlfriends have been psychos. “Have you just been unlucky, or are you more attracted to the psychos?” I asked. To his credit, he didn’t try to deny it. “Well yeah. I mean, I want a bad girl. If someone’s nice, it’s boring isn’t it? Like, I’d rather have Rihanna than say… Leona Lewis!” I’m a Leona Lewis. But British men in 2017… they want a Rihanna.

When I used OKCupid, I mostly ended up nosing through men’s answers to the site’s compatibility questions. The one I took a particular interest in was “How much sexual experience would your ideal partner have?” When I first started out, the men all answered “Slightly experienced”. Over the last few years, there’s been a definite shift. They now answer “Very experienced”. I told the aforementioned male friend how my life goal used to be to get to 30 and be like “I’ve slept with two men, both in relationships” (it’s now to get verified on Twitter). He told me that would be a massive turn-off for him, and he wouldn’t date anyone with a partner count below 10. I suppose there’s nothing wrong with sleeping with more than 10 people if that’s what you want to do… but I don’t want to sleep with more than 10 people. I want to be experienced… with a small number of people. I don’t think I could even pick out 10 people I fancy. But that’s what British men want in 2017. Because that’s what women get praised for in the mainstream media.

It’s a two-way rejection though. Not saying women should be confined to the kitchen FOREVER, but I do believe in traditional gender roles to some extent. I like a man who can lead. A man who could protect me. A older man who’s more experienced than me. A man who who wants a more conservative, less experienced woman. But men tend not to do this. Men pander to feminist talking points even when they’re being unreasonable. Men act unassertively. Men act like girls. Girls act like men.

I dislike modern dating. If I fancy someone, I’m at least open to the idea of a relationship with them. If I don’t fancy them, I don’t want to date them. I’d rather wait a while before sleeping with them. As I said in the multidating post, if I’d been on 2-3 good dates with someone, I’d be happy not to go on other dates. But the culture seems to be you have to sleep together relatively early on, but not go exclusive until much later, if ever. It’s like a rollercoaster: wait until X number of dates, throw your vagina into the wind, then grip onto the edge of your seat like “PLEASE DON’T GHOST”. If I’m sleeping with someone I want it to mean something. If I’m sleeping with someone, I don’t want to sleep with anyone else.

I feel like a 1950s housewife trapped in Sex And The City. Square peg, round hole. So I either have to try and soften my edges, or find a square hole I can fit my peg into.

Wait, that should probably be the other way around…

 

  • Reply
    Jenna
    March 26, 2017 at 6:24 pm

    I am a young adult in the dating world, who happens to be a virgin, as well. I have spoken to a few men that have told me being a virgin is a turn off. It is something I just can’t understand. When I ask why, some say virgins are too clingy or they think I am a liar. Others say that it doesn’t bother them, but it clearly does. I have been called a little girl or immature because I haven’t had sex. Do my dates ever care how hard I work to accomplish my dreams or am I just a tally mark to add to their count of people they have slept with?

    Here’s to us, Leona Lewis’;the good girls waiting for the good respectful guys.

    • Reply
      Alice
      March 26, 2017 at 7:15 pm

      Some guys find it a turn off, some guys find it a turn on, but if someone doesn’t want to date you, just think, why would you want to date them? And definitely don’t give the time of day to anyone who insults you for not having sex! Good luck and thanks for commenting x

    • Reply
      CUCH
      March 26, 2017 at 8:31 pm

      It depends on your age. I’m in my early 40s. Meeting a woman who was a virgin at that age would set alarm bells ringing for me, but I wouldn’t reject her on the basis of that. If you’re late teens to early 20s, it’s not that unusual.

      • Reply
        Alice
        March 26, 2017 at 9:30 pm

        It could be like the film “The 40 Year Old Virgin”…

  • Reply
    CUCH
    March 26, 2017 at 6:51 pm

    They want the drama queens.

    No, we don’t. Some men must learn the hard way that being with someone conventionally hot is not the be all and end all. They chase the wrong sort in the same way that women chase the wrong sort – because he is tall, good looking and has a great job. Eventually, we all learn that those people are to be avoided and we go for somebody a little more chilled out and sedate.

    That is one extreme. You appear to be at the other end and in another extreme. You say you’ve wanted to settle down since you were a teenager. I feel (and I’m not trying to offend) that you need to understand that people like you are the exception in 2017. People are getting married later (30s), the birthrate is dropping, particularly amongst the educated as people opt out of the conventional trappings of expectation. Mentioning marriage to a man before 30 is a surefire way of making him run the other way. This too is especially the case for more highly educated people.

    It’s easy to label everyone else and fail to understand that what we want is not necessarily what everyone else wants. I don’t want children and never have done and I realise that I am an exception rather than the rule. It would have easy to assume that all women are just desperate for a baby from the first date.

    • Reply
      Alice
      March 26, 2017 at 7:19 pm

      Haha, most of my friends are actually married/ in LTRs/ cohabitating. And I don’t mention marriage on dates!

      To be honest, I think a lot of people agree with you there. A lot of people I know don’t want kids either!

  • Reply
    possiblysami
    March 26, 2017 at 7:13 pm

    I really enjoyed reading this and it’s nice to hear your thoughts! lovely post x

    sami | possiblysami.com

    • Reply
      Alice
      March 26, 2017 at 7:19 pm

      Thanks, glad you liked it!

  • Reply
    Corinne & Kirsty 🌸 (@corinnekirsty)
    March 26, 2017 at 7:43 pm

    It is nice to read a divergent view for my own. I quite enjoy modern dating because people are free to be who and what they want and like. They are not confined in stereotyped or pressured to conform to a certain type of person society expect them to be. I don’t think women are like men and vice versa though. I think people are having the freedom to be who they want to be that’s it. Like society is becoming more tolerant. And I don’t think all guys want drama queens. coz none of my friends me included would be in a relationship now ahah. I do agree on that pressure to be with someone, get laid or date. People should absolutely not be judge for their sexual life/appetite and it shouldn’t be a criteria to decide wether someone is worth dating or not. Great post though! xxx Corinne

    • Reply
      Alice
      March 26, 2017 at 9:48 pm

      Yes that’s a good point, I think I’m more of a traditionalist though so I prefer the old way!

  • Reply
    Courtney
    March 26, 2017 at 7:45 pm

    what men have you been talking to?! if someone told me my amount of sexual partners was a problem i’d think they were the problem your number is personal to you and your choice

    • Reply
      Alice
      March 26, 2017 at 9:30 pm

      Haha, that’s true!

  • Reply
    Alexander
    March 26, 2017 at 10:38 pm

    I really enjoyed reading this. Would you like to have relationship with a man who are not very experienced?

  • Reply
    Marcus
    March 27, 2017 at 8:31 pm

    Thank you for such informative articles! I am 38, male, and I live in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. I have only had sex one time; she was 19 and I was 33 when I lost my virginity. She said she enjoyed taking guys’ virginities. She was very atrractive. I am very tall, slender, good looking, and I am working on developing a biodegradable Mardi Gras bead. Like you, I feel I am dating in the wrong era. I am not into one night stands, sex on the first date, or ghosting. I think my intelligence is a turnoff to most women in my area. They don’t like a guy they can’t manipulate, so I get shut out. Also, I love Drum and Bass, and barely anyone here even knows what that is. I did meet a girl that’s 28 and into DNB at Mardi Gras, and we have been texting for weeks. She wants to hang out after the beginning of April when she has more time as work and school have her quite busy at the moment. My biggest fear is living my entire life and never having one good relationship and also not having children. I would rather be alone than be in a toxic relationship and be miserable. I’m hoping everything works out for the best. I am not going to change who I am.

  • Reply
    judecros
    May 13, 2017 at 7:31 am

    i agree with you completely. i reckon im from the stone age. As a guy, if you havn’t slept with at least a few girls… there’s something wrong with you, and you “not as cool as the rest of us”. i get treated like a kid all the time. You get used to it.
    i like spending time with girls, but never take it past the friend zone. i just enjoy the friendship… but that’s also weird nowadays, because most girls think that if you smile at them, you like them… so to avoid sending people wrong signals, i keep to myself.

    im a Virgin at 22, by choice. And i just don’t want to become a part of the ‘rat-race’, so to speak. Like you say, im stuck in the wrong era. The few friends i have, see me as a ‘brother-figure’ because im so non-threatening… which is cool… but it takes a long time to build someone’s trust, obviously, as guys have a reputation of being one-click minded…but we also get categorized as retarded.
    it’s ok, the world doesn’t owe us anything…and we don’t have to bend to popular opinion.

    Here’s to old school 🙂

    • Reply
      Alice
      May 13, 2017 at 8:47 am

      Yes, here’s to old school! And yeah you can totally be in the friend zone by choice!

  • Reply
    Sex in the Sydney
    August 11, 2017 at 2:44 pm

    great post!

  • Reply
    5 Reasons I’m A Bad Dating Blogger – Alice In Wonderlust | UK Dating Blog
    September 6, 2017 at 7:03 pm

    […] But at the same time, I feel like the reasons I shouldn’t blog are simultaneously reasons I should blog. A lot of content in the blogosphere, as great as it is, can get a little samey. So I feel like there’s a need for diversity. Sometimes I feel like I’m not relatable enough for people to appreciate my content. But then at the same time, I feel like it’s possible to enjoy content you don’t agree with word for word, and appreciate a different opinion. And of course, there are probably some girls out there who also feel like they’re dating in the wrong era. […]

  • Reply
    Pratik
    September 24, 2017 at 7:52 pm

    Saying turn off to a virgin girl now is same as being turn off to a non virgin girl in earlier days, it is two sides of same coin.
    The fundamental root behind their thought process remains the same: it is men’s Ego.
    Ideally men should accept both sexually inexperience and experience women, then after few encounters on both ends then they should come to conclusion what works for them the best, rather than fitting to the society norms

  • Reply
    Yuna T
    January 14, 2019 at 7:12 am

    It is fascinating how different it is between our countries. In Japan, the overwhelming preference of most men (20s, 30s, even later) is for a woman to have as few sexual/romantic partners as possible, and finding an attractive female virgin is something like a holy grail. Of course, Japan has very, very strict and traditional gender roles, and women are also expected to look and act like middle-high school girls. It would be nice to find somewhere with an average of the UK and Japan…

    • Reply
      aliceeriley
      January 20, 2019 at 4:59 pm

      Yeah the school girl thing is a bit creepy, somewhere between the two extremes would be nice!

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