Dating

The Fuckzone

March 12, 2017

Met this guy on Plenty of Fish. Went for a drink in a bar. Went well enough. Not 100% sure on the spark, but he was 6’4″, pretty masculine, we got on well enough, and he seemed like a nice, relationship-minded guy. So a second date was arranged.

I asked him where he wanted to go.

“Your room but failing that, how about Purl in Marylebone?”

Wait… what?!? My room?!

the fuckzone

Let’s give this some context. We’d had a chat in a bar for a couple of hours, drinking mostly soft drinks. Conversation was good, but no flirting. We didn’t kiss. No mention of anything sexual. I mean, if we’d already done stuff, it would make sense that he’d suggest going to my room. After all, a takeaway and a Netflix and chill session is probably more fun than a overpriced drinks in a bar. But this was a “maybe” second date.

So the fact that he’d suggested my room as a venue means either:

a) He has poor social skills and is bad at picking up signals

b) He didn’t care about the outcome enough

Neither are really qualities you want in a partner. And the fact that he didn’t respond to my text shutting him down meant perhaps… the answer was b).

It reminded me of a guy I used to talk to. He was a bit of a player, but I’m one of the few women he’s not attracted to, so he used to talk to me about women, which gave me some interesting insights into the dating world. One of the things he said was that if he likes a girl, he’ll be more cautious, but if he’s not that fussed, he’ll escalate boldly, as he “might as well get a fuck out of it” (what a charmer). So if a guy suggests going back to your room with no level of sexual interest established, basically, you’re in the fuckzone.

For those of you unfamiliar with the term, the fuckzone is the female equivalent of the friendzone. The friendzone is the zone of men a woman gets on with well enough… but would never get with. The fuckzone is the zone of women a man is attracted to and would get with… but wouldn’t consider a relationship with. Maybe you’ve been messaging and flirting, and you thought it was the start of a beautiful relationship… but he just wanted sex. Maybe you had a promising first date, and your idea of a second date was dinner or possibly a movie… and his was “I could come over to yours with a bottle of wine”. Maybe you already have slept together, and you were thinking this could go somewhere… and he didn’t. Maybe you were seeing each other, and you wanted to DTR… and he didn’t. Whatever the situation, no matter how great you think you’d be together, you’re relegated firmly in the fuckzone.

Being in the friendzone sucks. I can’t deny that it must be tough to absolutely fancy the pants off someone, then hear that you’re well and truly a non-sexual being in their eyes. A shoulder to cry on, but never a penis to ride on. It must dent your confidence. Particularly if it’s happened multiple times with multiple women.

But somehow, being in the fuckzone is worse. If you’re a man and you find a woman attractive, you can just ask her out and move on with your life if she says no. But relationships don’t tend to go from 0 to 100. In the early stages, you’re always navigating through the fuckzone to some extent. And I don’t know about you, but I don’t come across men I’m really attracted to on a daily basis. So when you do find someone you’ve got that spark with, and the feeling appears to be returned, it’s a great feeling. We women like to be desired. To flirt, and be flirted with. To be reminded that we are sexual beings, particularly after a long dry spell. And we want sex, but we also want the other stuff, like you know, MARRIAGE AND KIDS. So when you feel that spark and you thought they felt the same about you, then hear “sorry love- you’re a place to park my penis and nothing more”, it’s even more galling. Because the hope was there… then it wasn’t.

So what’s the solution? Well, there isn’t an easy one. If you’re in the fuckzone, you’re in the fuckzone. Just like if you’re in the friendzone, you’re in the friendzone. But you can limit the amount of time you waste there. Just like if a man fancies a woman, rather than spending months pretending to be friends, he must indicate interest right away and move on if it is not returned, it’s important to have a strong filter and cut off disinterested guys early on. It’s best to wait a while before sleeping together, and get a measure of his interest and screen for red flags (unless of course, all you want is sex). And if a guy says he’s “not looking for anything serious” (or indicates as such), do not have sex with him/ keep messaging him/ continue to date him in the hope that he’ll change his mind. When you know you know, and when it’s an “I don’t know”, is a no.

 

  • Reply
    Jessica Emily
    March 12, 2017 at 8:28 pm

    Oh my gaaaaad I can relate to this when I used to use POF 😂 it’s a minefield that’s for sure. Great post – it made me giggle! Xx

    • Reply
      Alice
      March 12, 2017 at 8:30 pm

      Haha thanks- glad it worked out for you in the end!

  • Reply
    ashlexyz
    March 12, 2017 at 8:36 pm

    This is a great post – I’ve not read many posts like this before! It’s shocking how people can just come out with sentences like these. Who in their right mind thinks that it’s okay to say to someone you barely know?! Great post, and thank you for introducing me to the fuckzone!

    Ashley x
    https://ashlexyz.wordpress.com/

    • Reply
      Alice
      March 12, 2017 at 8:39 pm

      Tbh I think he just didn’t care about the outcome, so he thought he’d just try his luck!

  • Reply
    Corinne & Kirsty 🌸 (@corinnekirsty)
    March 12, 2017 at 8:52 pm

    This is such an interesting concept. I didn’t know it has a name. Quite a relatable post though. Although I have often be the one putting someone in the fuckzone but as they were quite happy with it, I guess it was fine! xx Corinne

    • Reply
      Alice
      March 12, 2017 at 8:57 pm

      Haha yes that’s true, it’s also possible for a man to be fuckzoned, or a woman to be friendzoned!

  • Reply
    Single Vegas Girl
    March 12, 2017 at 9:01 pm

    Wow. I seriously don’t understand men sometimes. “Oh the relationship won’t happen? Let’s just have sex.” isn’t an outcome I would expect. Like either the relationship will happen or it won’t. Still sad to know guys think they can be bold just because they don’t expect more.

    Single Vegas Girl
    http://singlevegasgirl.blogspot.com

    • Reply
      Alice
      March 12, 2017 at 9:02 pm

      Yeah guys do that sometimes too, like if you tell them you just see them as a friend or some other form of polite rejection, they’re like “ohh we could just be casual”, and I’m like no haha.

  • Reply
    UKSI
    March 15, 2017 at 8:37 pm

    I’d never thought of it like that! Agree win the concept but I’d never have the balls to come out proposition someone like the guy did to you.

    Do you think it’s possible to get out of either the friend or fuck zone?

    • Reply
      Alice
      March 17, 2017 at 1:15 pm

      It may be, but most of the time it’s not worth trying.

  • Reply
    sarahtrademark
    March 26, 2017 at 8:23 am

    Not heard of this before! What an interesting read. Sounds a lot worse than being friendzoned

    Sarah x

    • Reply
      Alice
      March 26, 2017 at 10:06 am

      It definitely is!

  • Reply
    Milk
    April 5, 2017 at 7:56 am

    I’ve finally stumbled upon the golden word to describe my woes 😅 loved the read

    • Reply
      Alice
      April 5, 2017 at 6:13 pm

      Thanks, glad you liked it!

  • Reply
    My Experiences With “Hyping” – Alice In Wonderlust | UK Dating Blog
    May 7, 2017 at 5:29 pm

    […] We’d talked about charities and volunteering, for crying out loud. I was definitely wife, not fuckzone, material. So I put it down to him being young and immature, and upper my Tinder age […]

  • Reply
    pratseek
    May 19, 2017 at 6:51 am

    What if he was sexual with you on the first time and at same time would mention to you that he is not a relationship material, will you appreciate that man?

    • Reply
      Alice
      May 19, 2017 at 1:13 pm

      What do you mean?

  • Reply
    pratseek
    May 19, 2017 at 3:06 pm

    So you say women want sex but also marriage, kids, etc But if the man is honest about his desires and what he wants in the first few minutes which can be conflict with your wants with that man would you still label “fuckzone’?

  • Reply
    Relationship, Shag, No – Alice In Wonderlust | UK Dating Blog
    June 4, 2017 at 7:01 pm

    […] is otherwise known as the fuckzone– people he’d sleep with, but wouldn’t consider a relationship with. Maybe […]

  • Reply
    Hindsight & Life Lessons – Alice In Wonderlust | UK Dating Blog
    October 8, 2017 at 5:47 pm

    […] year old me’s advice: You’re in the fuckzone. Even if he was single, he wouldn’t be interested. Drop him and move […]

  • Reply
    Eric
    June 11, 2018 at 1:11 pm

    This guy was doing nothing else but clumsily trying to escalate things sexually and gauging your sexual interest for him.

    The first date was clearly a failure as absolutely no sexual escalation occurred. No flirting, nothing.
    Maybe he did not try. Maybe it’s you who did not reciprocate.
    Anyway, he was headed to the friendzone (noticed how you call him “nice guy” and “relationship-minded”? yikes!).

    So he sent that text to check if the situation was recoverable. And got his answer when you shut him down.

    Don’t blame his social skills at this point: He saved both of you some time.
    Don’t complain about him not caring about the outcome: A healthy person should not be emotionally invested after a failed first date.

    The only thing he could be blamed for is not having set the tone on the first date (or maybe your shut him down there already).

    I don’t believe that guys/girls really try to put their dates in the fuck/friendzone.
    It’s just that guys want sex as a priority and girls want a relationship as a priority. And when theses forces are out of balance, people end up if either zone (if they can’t pull themselves out of the situation).

    There is no “zone” really. There is just unreciprocated feelings/desires. It only feels like a “zone” to the person who doesn’t get what they want and still decides to stick around hoping to get it.

    • Reply
      aliceeriley
      June 25, 2018 at 6:58 pm

      He wasn’t in the friendzone, I thought he could be my type so I was willing to give it a go. He wasn’t checking if the situation was recoverable- I shut him down because he was being a sleaze- if he was up for a proper second date I would have gone.

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